Chapter 5: The harsh truth about self-growth

  My recent visit back to my hometown brought upon an epiphany that could no longer be suppressed.  I realized that I hadn't grown as much as I thought I did and I still had so much healing to do. On most visits home, I went with the intention of seeing my loved ones quickly and focusing on coming back to LA. This time was different, I needed a break from LA and a reminder of who I was. Now the trip wasn't horrible at all, it was actually the best visit that I've had thus far. But that was the problem, it brought up a lot of old wounds and unanswered questions from my past. It was devastating realizing that no matter how many experiences I've had so far, there was still a trapped Brooklyn teenage girl that needed closure. 
    When I first moved the LA an uber driver told me that there were two reasons people move out here, "you're either chasing something, or running away from something." My answer was both. I was chasing my dreams and running away from my pain. I despised home for a long time and the way I spoke down on my experiences there really hurt my loved ones. They felt as if I was trying to erase my past and them with it. In a way, I absolutely was because acknowledging their signifigance was accepting the reality that came with them. It's way easier to accept new people with a blank canvas and no expectations. The real test is facing the people that have seen more bad days than good, the ones that were the cause of your pain, the ones that love your for you. 
   I beat myself up for a lot after I returned from my trip. I couldn't understand how after being gone for several years just seeing certain people from my past still evoked such strong feelings in me. It brought up feelings of frustration, insecurities, and anxiety. My initial reaction was  to block it out as usual (queen of avoidance). But, as I appreciated the time I spent with those people, I chose to allow them in and feel the emotions that came with them. Instead of looking at myself as a failure for reminiscing and holding on, I learned to have more compassion for myself on my journey. 
     The harsh truth about self-growth is it doesn't have a timestamp. That's why it's so important to be patient with yourself. Triggers can be brutal and can stem from seeing an old old songs, visiting old friends, really almost anything can bring up unresolved feelings. It's completely okay to have a heavy heart about events that happened in your past. No one has the right to tell you when you're supposed to get over it, especially those who were the cause of your pain. It's also okay, to take time away from the enviroments that hurt you so you can heal properly. We live in a society that shames vulnerability and emotional expression, which is why so many people are walking around with baggage. We often misconstrue the word strength for stoicism and that couldn't be further from the truth. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." That means that there will be many times in our lives where we have to stop running and turn back around. When triggers come up in our present its just a reminder of an wound that never got healed. The only way to truly move on from something, is to face it. I had  to revisit those hardships and emotions to remember my strength as well as, move on to the next stage in my life. 
    Self-compassion is an essential part of self-growth. The interesting thing about my resentment towards Brooklyn was most of it wasn't towards the people, it was the place. Brooklyn represented the times in my life when I was at my lowest points in my life. I grew to forgive and understand the people that hurt me. The only person that I didn't forgive was myself. I put all the shame on myself for allowing those situations to happen. For example, I had a couple of people apologize to me during the trip and I quickly brushed off their apologies. All I could think to myself was it's not their fault, I should've known better. That's the thing, I didn't know any better because I was young and inexperienced. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. Forgive yourself for the times that you knew the outcome but still stayed. Forgive yourself for falling when you should've fled. Forgive yourself for all the times you said yes when you wanted to say no. Forgive yourself for being a learning human being and making mistakes like everyone else. The harsh truth about growth is that it's messy, theres no escape, right of way, or express way to do it. Be patient with yourself and love yourself enough to know that you deserve closure, forgiveness, and compassion.