Chapter 4

  There's a reason why I surround myself with people who are on the tougher side of love, I have a big ego. For god sakes, my elementary school teachers used to call me "miss. know it all." I actually had a lot of pride about my ego. I loved living by my own rules and preaching my shallow ideologies. They say Kanye loves Kanye for a reason. He's also the genius that came up with the idea that slavery is a choice. That being said, the real challenge in life is to be able to have true self confidence without the ego. 
  I use to have a lot of pride about being mature for my age. I used my trauma as a pedestal for knowledge. Going through hardships at a young age did prepare me to look at the world with a more mature perspective; but it didn't mean that I had a clue what the world was about. My ego told me that I had all the answers and I was ready for anything that came at me. To that life replied, "oh really? Bet." It took me having to relearn everything I thought I already knew after my move to realize that I really don't  know jack. The ego is a falsified persona that we wear to mask our truth. It's a defensive mechanism and a safety net for fear. I had to come to terms that I was an a 18 year old girl who made a hasty decision to move across country with little security and I had no idea the hell I was doing. I was able to ignore this for a while because the world people praised me and fed into my ego for making such a big leap at a young age. The egotistical mask was so much more comfortable than the truth. In wearing that mask I was telling the people that I didn't need help, which is one of the most foolish things any goal oriented person can do. Yes, I won some people over with my mask. Those people could've also helped me but they walked passed me because they believed I got it. Then there were those who saw right through me, because they were just like me at one point. Those people usually smile and say nothing with certainty that I'll learn on my own. They say the smartest and most secure people say the least, that's because they have nothing to prove anyone. I had to realize that my ego was doing nothing but blocking me from my goals. I may not have known how to get to where I wanted to be but I knew there was a better place I needed to be. I was willing to take the right steps to get there.
 That being said, now when I say I have an ego I view it as more of a shameful thing rather than a booster. I became one of those people who say nothing when I hear others speak from the ego. I let them believe that I buy into their mask and have compassion for them. They too have to learn on their own. I may never fully understand the true meaning of life but I believe that it's apart of our purpose to truly accept ourselves for who we are. We fight so much to prove ourselves to our family, our friends, and even complete strangers on Instagram. We fail to take into account that those people are also fighting to prove their worth to you as well. Like when your parents say to you, "I'm the adult, I don't need to explain anything to you." Or if you have friends who are always subtly trying to compete with you. Regardless of the situation, it's always a losing battle in the face of the ego. 

Now I challenge you to ask yourself anytime you feel pressured to respond to situation or to prove yourself, is it really you talking or is it your ego?