Chapter 3

    The contrasts of my social circles throughout the years never fails to amaze me. What amazes me more is how long I held onto toxic friendships because of my fear of change. I resented the idea of letting go of a connection that I had already invested so much time and energy into. Resisting change just resulted in over-dramatic climaxes that could've been avoided. As we grow and have a better understanding of ourselves, we attract different people and situations that are more aligned with our goals and purpose in life. This is actually amazing because the truth is, if things stop changing then we stop growing. These are a couple things I've learned along the way that's made the process a whole lot easier: 

1. Your Love is Not Measured By How Much You Can Endure 
   I used to have a lot of pride about going through hell and back for my friends. I held on for dear life to friendships that had already died.  Society has taught us that love is being loyal to your relationships through thick and thin. So we feel this obligation to stick it out because we believe that letting go makes us a bad person. In actuality, masking problems and ignorance for the sake of peace is what contributes to poor character (and even shittier relationships). Real love is being able to look at someone for who they really are (the good and the bad), respect them, and support them. If respect goes flying out the window the second there's a problem, then love is already lost regardless of loyalty. In order to truly respect someone, you have to respect yourself first. Are you respecting yourself by accepting situations that make you feel like crap? Now I'm not saying relationships are supposed to be easy. Life challenges us and tests the foundations of our relationships. But we have to evaluate if were enduring life problems or self-made massacres. Love is not measured by how much you can endure, its measured by how much you can understand and grow through what you go through. 

2. Check Your Own Toxicity 
  I am not a saint, not even close. I've been a pretty shitty person for much of my life (I've had to apologize to a lot of people). Of course, I was never the problem I was always the victim. It took losing some people I really cared about for me to wake up. They weren't kidding when they said you don't know what you have until it's gone. When I was left alone with my misery that's when I realized how much of burden I was to the people I love. Now I could've just found other company to share the load but instead I decided to detach for a while. In my solitude, I understood that being walked out on was the best thing that could've happened to me. My friends who were putting up with my crap were enabling more of my toxicity. Many of us love to give advice and get upset when the people we advise do the opposite of what we say. This is where you need to stop talking and start moving. Years later, I still don't speak to some of my former friends but I have so much more respect for people because of them. I'm not perfect but my imperfections are my responsibility to take care of and they should never be a hazard to the people I care about. 

3. Distance Can Be The Best Thing For Best Friends 
   My best friend and I live approximately 4,000 miles away from each other. High school me would've been devastated by this reality considering we were tied to the hip.  I had no idea much we would both change in a couple years. Those changes caused us to grow apart mentally and emotionally. This is one of those friendships that needed to grow apart to come back together. Now we're closer than we've ever been despite living in two different states. How does that work? We've always had a really strong bond but we had completely different ideals in life. We needed to allow each other to find ourselves. It took us a while to do that because we were both holding onto our favorite parts of each other. When those parts started to fade away instead of viewing it as natural, we took it personally and created pointless drama.  We had a serious issue with possession which can be disguised as love. But possession isn't love, it's fear. We had to face our fears and realize that we had no control over each others choices. Distance forced us to do so and when we were to able to accept change, we were able to start over and build a healthier bond. 
4. You don't always need a reason to detach 
    I had this misconception that there needed to be a significant issue for me to need a break from people. If there wasn't a tangible problem, then I must've been being overdramatic. Detachment can be necessary to check in on yourself and your mental health. Life is overwhelming and people can be draining. Of course everyone is different, these words are coming from a full introvert (extrovert on special occasions). Regardless of whether you're the life of the party or you're a party of one; everyone needs time to detach and reflect. So if you don't always feel like answering a text right away, that's okay. If you cancel weekend plans just to chill and actually watch Netflix (or not idk), thats more than okay. You don't have to have a major reason to take a break. Taking breaks are what give you energy to make better decisions and keep connecting. A flight attendant said it best, "put on your oxygen mask before you put on someone else's." 


5. Stop promising forever 
  Recently, I was hyping up one of my close friends to my younger sister telling her how I think me and homegirl could be for life. Sis cut me off (normally I would think she's being a hater) and said, "You know what's crazy? People stay claiming people forever but we don't even live forever." That statement was so simple but meant everything. Especially for me, miss. fall for potential. I tend to get very excited about new relationships of any form and put them on a pedestal of potential. When that pedestal comes crashing down, the only person that's left to clean up the false hope is mwah. Promises are temporary contracts to keep people in your life and also try to secure their faith in you. I've learned to be more cautious of my words for the protection of both parties. Life is not a one way street. We make promises to never hurt people but when faced with an important decision that is not in favor of the people we love, that may hurt them. We promise to never give up on someone but if the relationship is unhealthy, giving up may be the best option. The most important thing that I've learned about friendships is to cherish people for who they are in the present moment and have gratitude for them everyday. Tomorrow is not promised, forever doesn't exist, and life can change at any moment. That being said, Carpe Diem.